The Yorker Archives… (Student Stereotypes)

Now that Fresher’s term is almost over, and everyone is pretty much settled in, you’ll be starting to notice WHO you’re living with. Obviously, you’ve all met, and you’ve all shared your most horrifying stories courtesy of Freshers Week “Never Have I Ever”, and you’ve all had to queue to use the loo. But do you really KNOW who it is that you’re sharing your oven mitts with? Fear no more,The Yorker Lifestyle is providing you with a handy guide to the seven typical characters to watch out for in your halls of residence.
*The Couple- During Fresher’s Week, this character was embodied by two people. Well forget that now, because they’ve officially become a single unit. Maybe come up with a handy combined name to refer to them, a la “Brangelina” or “Jedward”. Come complete with PDA’s and great opportunities for fancy dress ideas.
*The Drunk - Perhaps hasn’t 100% grasped that Fresher’s Week ended a while ago. Found at the Willow, or lugging their pre-drinks around to flat parties. Always comes up with fun drinking games and is great at parties, though can be a vomming-liability at the end of a night. Room full of traffic cones and empty glasses, probably doesn’t remember your name but knows that they “love you!!!”.
*The Busy One- Rarely seen. They’re always flitting between lectures, meetings with the JCRC, supervisor sessions, their kick-boxing class, dance rehearsals, volunteering at the local school and their part-time job. And that’s only the stuff you know about. Room covered in post-it notes, Facebook covered in event-invites. Has to schedule in “quality time with flatmates”. Somehow seems to know everyone on campus, and destined for future BNOC-dom.
*The O.C.D. One- The only person you’ve ever met who actually preheats the oven. Is never late, assignments are in a week early, and their bedroom is SPOTLESS. Seriously, it’s in better condition since they moved in. Owns and knows the difference between a vast array of cleaning products, and actively uses a colour coding system for everything in their life. An excellent person to befriend, as not only do they remember their own schedules, they’ve got yours memorised too. You know, just in case.
*The Genius - Seemingly effortlessly gets a First in every assignment. Resentment is natural, don’t worry. Try to remember that they do actually do all the reading, and hand in everything on time, and participate in seminars rather than sit sulkily at the back with a hangover. They frustratingly tend to be really nice, which can be difficult to accept if they do the same degree as you, but much, much better. Comes complete with a cheery modesty and a library loan list longer than your arm.
*The Posh One- Would never dream of the existence of 9p smart price noodles, never mind actually consider eating them. The only flatmate who shops at Waitrose, and the only one who owns a yacht. Speaks the Queen’s English, as well as fluent Latin. Thinks Poundland is a myth.
*The Mystery- There’s eight rooms in your flat, but there’s only ever seven of you? Everyone’s gone to bed but there’s someone in the shower? Don’t worry, it’s not a phantom flatmate, it’s just The Mystery. Origin unknown, degree unknown, name unknown. They’re either seriously shy, or have decided to not bother with you all. Move along, nothing to see here.
Chances are, you recognise at least one or two of the above characters from your own experiences. Tell us about any we’ve missed in the comments section below.

(Originally published 2nd December 2011, http://www.theyorker.co.uk/news/theknow/8049)

Farrah Kelly

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